That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize