You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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