i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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