Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
