I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
