I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
