Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
