I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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