There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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