I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
