If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
