I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
