On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
