my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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