watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
