He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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