We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
