Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
