Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
