you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
