dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
