Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
