Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
