If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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