he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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