I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
