When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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