I CAN MOONWALK!
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
