that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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