My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
