some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Randomize
