You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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