I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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