god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
