i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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