my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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