the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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