YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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