your room smells of hookers.
And success
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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