Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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