well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
