If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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