A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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