He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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