can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize