It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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