shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Randomize
