I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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