Cold hands, warm shart.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
