Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I just blew my weed a kiss
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
