Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
