that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Let's paint friendship bongs
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
