I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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