As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
