at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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