At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
