I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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