I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
