I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
