she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize